SATAN OSCILLATE MY METALLIC SONATAS

I can has home now!

2009-05-03T03:55:25Z

I moved! I am much happier now that I am not living at my mom's house. Also, I am now in the best living situation ever: five or ten minutes by bike from both of my jobs, living with friends in a cheap but big and fantastic place with in-suite laundry and a backyard. If there is an earthquake we will all die horribly, however.

There are random little obnoxious things, like how my birth control is MESSING WITH ME (guys, guys, I climbed a mountain while I had horrible cramps, it was an adventure!) and how my work schedule is completely unpredictable so that one week I will work Tues-Sat WHICH IS FINE but then the next week I will work Thurs-Mon WHICH IS NOT, or I will just work on random broken up days and not get more than one day off in a row, which is lame. But I like both my jobs, and I like the people I work with, and any small annoyances are currently overwhelmed by the fact that I live in a great, conveniently located place with one of my favorite people.

Also I am a block from the tiniest library in the city I AM GOING TO ORDER SO MANY BOOKS.

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES

2008-12-10T08:56:17Z

OH NO!!!

MY BEAR IS GONE.

My beautiful bear whom I have had forever and she is old and raggedy and her eyes are glass and all scratched up is missing! And her nose was all squished in because she came in a too-small package from my great-aunt when I was very little, so instead of having a pointy bear nose, she has a button nose and a smile, which everybody thinks is creepy, except me, because it's BEAUTIFUL. And her name is Tubby and I love her very much.

...I cleaned my room and dumped out all my drawers and looked through the house. But I can't find my bear. I'm moving in two weeks! WHAT IF I MOVE WITHOUT MY BEAR AND SHE GETS LEFT BEHIND?!

In other news, I am moving to Vancouver by New Years.

ETA: I found my bear! She was in the TV cabinet.

My Childhood

2008-11-23T07:05:13Z

Holy crap there is a new Star Trek movie. And it is about YOUNG SPOCK and YOUNG KIRK being, as far as I can determine from the trailer, EXCEEDINGLY GAY FOR EACH OTHER (by which I mean having fist fights and being snotty) and I HAVE TO SEE IT because it is the campest, most unabashedly ridiculous thing I have ever seen a thirty second clip of, and OH MY GOD Young Spock is played by SYLAR, you know, the evil watch-fixing douchebag brain-sucking villain from Heroes. And Kirk drives a car OFF A CLIFF when he is maybe ten years old.

And just.

Yeah, I dunno, it looks like Star Trek has finally laid off trying to be cool and realized it needs to embrace being So Bad It's Good.

Give Thanks (shipping free in Canada, long-distance charges may apply)

2008-10-09T23:12:37Z

I just biked home with about fifty pounds of groceries in my paniers, plus two sugar pumpkins bungeed to my rat-trap and two pounds of concord grapes in a bag on my handlebars. I usually buy my groceries in weekly allotments, but everything I ever buy frozen was on sale. And so were potatoes and yams and onions...

Now I'm going to make Nanaimo bars, coffee cake, azuki rice and baked pumpkin (to use in pumpkin pie this weekend). And I am going to sew curtains and hem pants and... I really like Thanksgiving. It means I have enough extra time to be me.

It's drizzly and cool and the streets are piling up with oak leaves. Daniel is coming next weekend. I'm starting to feel like I can be on track again.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-09-24T08:40:00

2008-09-24T15:50:46Z

Haven't slept. Or eaten. So take this with a grain of salt.

I want one memory of him that isn't set against a dented wall. I want to see him in my head, smiling, and not feel the glass hitting my hip. I want the sound of his voice unassociated with screaming. God, that sounds so melodramatic. Well, here's even worse:

I want these wants to break my heart. Crack it, bruise it, touch it. I want a fear of death unwrapped by narrative.

Yeah, okay, I'm sleep deprived and just addled enough to think self sabotage in order to prove my own humanity to myself is a great idea. I won't, I won't. I'm going to class. And I'll sleep today, I'll eat today, I'll write my papers and I'll keep my noise internal. Maybe I'll go visit the counselors on campus. Maybe after a nap.

But I don't want to. I just want to become enough of a fiction to believe hallucination-strong in ghosts.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-09-20T19:06:00

2008-09-21T02:07:42Z

It really says something about how manic and overly ambitious I'm being in a day when it takes Nick Cave to bring me down to normal levels of calm.

Apparently this is a touchy subject.

2008-09-19T05:41:16Z

...okay so. I am taking a class called Gender and Sexual Identity in Postcolonial English Literature. It is a good class! I expected it to be either really interesting or unbearable, and so far it is the former. However. Yesterday, my professor wrote on the board, as an irrefutable subject of non-discussion, "Bisexuality does not exist."

I have problems with that statement. But apparently I am the only one.

Guys. Guys. Bisexuality exists. It is not, or at least it is not for everyone, a stage between being straight and being gay. It is not necessarily a phase. And, I believe this is where the heart of the issue lies, it does not necessitate perpetual polygamy by nature.

In other words: if you identify as bisexual, have same-sex relationships, and then enter into a heterosexual monogamous relationship which ends up lasting your lifetime, that does not mean you had a "gay phase" and then "turned straight." It very possibly means that you were bisexual and continue to be bisexual, in that you are attracted to both men and women. Just because you choose one person to be with for the rest of your life does not mean you are no longer attracted to other people. It does not mean your sexual orientation has changed. It means you have made a decision to commit to one person, and that person happens to be of the opposite gender to you. The two are not inextricably linked! Likewise, having heterosexual relationships and then ending up in a homosexual relationship does not mean, necessarily, that your "true sexuality" was repressed, and then you came out. It could! But it doesn't have to. It could just mean that you are attracted to both sexes and ended up committing to someone who is the same sex as yourself.

I am not sure why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I am not sure why the fact that I am attracted, fairly equally, to both men and women has to mean that I am sitting on a political fence, or that I'm going through a phase, or that I just haven't made up my mind. No. I am attracted to men and women. Currently, I'm not in a committed monogamous relationship with anybody, so I can have both. However, were I to fall in love with someone, be it a man or a woman, who wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, I would be alright with that. That doesn't mean I would turn straight. It doesn't mean I would turn gay. It means that, without my sexual preferences being affected in any way whatsoever, I would commit to being with one person. And that's all.

answering my own questions

2008-08-09T21:30:23Z

Q: But I don't WANT to work in the warehouse! But I DO want to work at MEC! What should I doooo?!
A: Call them. Tell them you'd prefer to work at the climbing counter than in the warehouse. Ask them if they're hiring frontline soon. Tell them you're willing to work in the warehouse, and is there any chance of switching to frontline later. Be positive. Be polite. Work warehouse if you have to, until you can switch. Apply at bookstores.

Q: ALL THE WRITING WORKSHOPS ARE FULL. What if I can't get anything? What if I can't get anything but fiction?
A: Keep checking the waiting lists. If you can't get anything, tough. Ask if you can get into the second semester anyway. Depending on your work situation, either take four courses or suck it up and take an extra lecture. If you can only get fiction, go to the first day and see what the layout is like. If you like the students and the prof and the course outline, then stay. Otherwise, see above. Regardless, go harass Steve about your poetry.

Q: There are no places with cats. There are no places cheap enough. I don't know if I need three bedrooms or two. I hate moving and don't want to anyway. Why can't I just live on a boat? Do I have to do this?
A: Yeah, you do. Keep looking. You do not have a boat to live on. You'll feel better once you've got a place and your stuff is out of storage. Earlier is better.

Q: I miss Daniel and I miss Tahiti and I want to learn how to windsurf and scuba dive and I don't have enough money and why does my life suck?
A: I know. I know. Here, have a hug. Look, do you really think life sucks? No. I know you don't. And it IS stressful getting things off the ground, but you did it last year, right? And this year you might get a more long term solution and you won't have to do it next year maybe. And you'll see Daniel again, and you'll travel again, and you will have the money to do those things someday. In fact, I think you're looking forward to school right now, but if you're miserable at the end of the year, um, duh?! Take a year off like last time! Make some money and learn to windsurf. Pay off your mom and grandma. But I don't think you'll end up doing that. I think it'll all be okay. Really.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-05-28T22:39:00

2008-05-29T05:41:48Z

How can this be going so smoothly? I wondered. When is the other shoe going to drop?

Then I ran my mother's car into a tree.

What is wrong with me?!

...and yes, I'm fine. The car was parked. It was not a big deal. But. I don't know, I just fail.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-05-28T16:15:00

2008-05-29T00:47:23Z

When I stare at the stormy sea,
or the frothy boil
of a fast-running river
it never occurs to me
that place is cold,
that I can't breathe there,
I just want to throw myself in.

~J. William Knowles

It's a quote from one of my favorite poems. I'd post the whole thing, but my copy of the anthology it's in is in storage. Sometimes I think it applies to me far too well.

Right now I'm hoping it applies just enough.

waiting for the telephone to tell me I'm alive

2008-05-27T01:02:16Z

...maybe if I post an entry saying how much Daniel fails because he hasn't called and I don't know what's happening and it's all his fault it will force the world to capitulate and he will instantly come online with a really good reason just to prove me wrong and guilty.

...maybe if I post an entry soulfully begging to be allowed to speak to Daniel, the universe will take pity and he'll come online immediately, just to make me grateful.

...maybe if I remain cheerful and resolved and get on with my life I'll be distracted and the world will see how I'm good and useful and reward me by bringing Daniel online immediately.

...maybe if I mock myself about having those kind of thoughts, they'll stop and I'll feel better. And completely coincidentally, Daniel will come online immediately.

None of this is going to work. I don't care. It felt good to write out. I'm going to post it even though it's retarded. (And maybe Daniel will come online immediately.)

ETA: ...h-he called immediately after I posted this. And then came online. \o/

I won't back down and it's not okay

2008-05-22T19:16:49Z

Walking up the stairs in the dark, I reach the top step without knowing. Another step, and my foot comes down on empty air. That lurch, that sickening loss of solid ground. I'm there.

And sailing a dinghy through small islands, narrow passages, when the wind changes and I'm stuck at the mouth of a channel, tacking in small circles, mucking up my rudder with weeds, unable to move forward, to go home or to go on, aware that I'm worrying people by being gone so long, but just a few minutes from where I belong if only the wind would change again. I'm there.

I'm a balloon and someone just let go of the string. I'm climbing with no pro on something which might be just at my limit, and might be just beyond. I've leaped, I've called out.

Be patient, they keep telling me to be patient. And they're right, of course. It's only been two days. Barely. But it's been two days caught in the lurch before foot meets landing. In that weightless, horribly expectant moment.

And what if he doesn't check his email until right before he leaves? And what if he says no? And what if this really is an impossible dream? And what if I can't get there? And what if, what if, what if, he comes on and says yes and I get it together and go?

I keep thinking I can't take much more of this, but of course I can, and of course I will. But my whole heart's one wish.

all I can feel is the time standing still

2008-05-21T16:15:40Z

Get up. Shower. Brush teeth. Toast for breakfast. Make granola. Decline the ice cream shop job. Try to answer my Granny's questions without hurting her feelings. Cut veggie sticks for picnic. Make onigiri.

Doing these things does not stop my thoughts whirling, does not stop my heart yelling. Does not change the fact that even if my hands are busy, all I am doing is waiting.

Wait. Wait. Keep waiting. Learn the business of waiting.

Waiting is hard.

Every time it comes, I think my luck will stay

2008-05-20T19:39:57Z

I hate job searching. I hate it so much. And if some place besides the ice cream store doesn't try to hire me today I don't know what I'll do. No, really, I don't. Should I take the ice cream job? Should I hold out? Is it stupider to turn down the job I don't want when nothing else has turned up, or to take it out of desperation?

At least the weather's nice.

An Inconvenience Rightly Considered

2008-05-20T02:14:33Z

I just went to Aikido. Only I arrived late, and it was only my second time at that dojo, and I felt really bad about being rude and I didn't go in. Instead I went to the tiny cafe across the street, which turned out to be owned by a Twelve Tribes community and run by a lot of little girls (I would say 11-14 years old). I stayed for delicious berry tea and stared in a glazed sort of way at the man there who preached to me about the simple life.

Then I decided that to stave off questions of why I was back so soon, I would walk home. I knew two ways of doing this, or so I thought -- follow Osborne Street, or follow the river. I decided to follow the river. It was a strange, dirty, beautiful walk through places that felt largely forgotten. I was on the pathless side of the river, and felt itinerant as I watched all the real Winnipeg residents on their paved path on the far shore.

Then I reached the Forks, a market place thus named because it is at a fork in the river. In fact, the forks where the two rivers (the Assiniboine and the Red) running through Winnipeg meet. Oh. Oh. Two rivers. My grandparents' house is along the Red. But which one is which? And which bank am I supposed to be on? I crossed one bridge on the way to the Aikido Club, but what river did I cross? I took a guess, ended up on the wrong side of the correct river, but quickly realized my error when I stumbled upon my uncle's house. No help there -- he's out of town and can't drive anyway. Back to the bridge, back across the river, and finally I'm on the correct path. Another half-hour's walk and I'm home, singing under my breath in a beautiful sunset. Suddenly the huge sky feels welcoming -- I've navigated the city on foot, happily, enjoying myself and my own absurdity, and I feel as if the prairie has agreed to adopt me.

Now if only some of the places I applied to will call me back tomorrow.

save all of your light

2008-05-18T18:41:58Z

I’m in Winnipeg now, sitting in my grandparents’ living room.

The furniture is beige and blue and grey and white, in keeping with the rest of the city – all sky and brick and bare-armed trees. It’s an empty, lonely city, a city of cars. There are few cyclists and barely any pedestrians. The streets are quiet – not silent, but close enough that one bird or one lawnmore is disruptive, and the wind seems loud when it’s not. The whole place feels exposed – the streets are almost on a grid, and roll on forever in straight, strict lines with no forgiving dips or rises. I am in awe of the enormous sky, and the flat starkness of the land, and find comfort in the tall, twisting oaks and elms, and in the slow, muscular, brick-brown Red River that bisects the city. But I miss hills. I miss ocean.

In Vancouver the cherry blossoms are soft and heavy-smelling, and green growing things try their luck everywhere, cracking pavement in the process. Camelia bushes in full bloom flash reds, whites, pinks; tulips and daffodils proliferate. The chestnut trees have already spread their green stained glass over the side-streets. Our small mountains rise up blue into clouds, and the beaches are beginning to be crowded. Lawnmowers, traffic, song birds and gulls and crows, people noises – sound is everywhere, a constant roar, with ice cream trucks and sirens shot through it. The city smells like spring – like plants, baking, deep-fry, barbeque, garbage, dust, asphalt and rain. But now I smell burning oats, and I have to jump up and be in Winnipeg again. The granola needs stirring.

I like it here. I do! But I miss. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss my friends. I miss having people who I can touch -- to hug or tickle or cuddle or beat on or kiss or more. I miss knowing what I'm going to do with my days, and I miss not having to know what I'm going to do with my days, and not having to let anyone else know what I'm doing. And... I don't think it will get better. I'm not going to be here for long enough. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet someone who I click with at whatever job I end up getting, and I'll have a friend, but three months really isn't long enough to get established in a place. So it's going to be a limbo summer, probably.

I've been job-searching, and hopefully a few places will call me back after the long weekend is over. For the next couple of days, though, I'm pretty much drifting. Mostly I will start posting chunks of writing up here. We'll see.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-04-14T15:30:00

2008-04-14T22:31:28Z

So if I can write another 700 words I am completely done except for one exam.

Let's DO this.

meme

2008-03-21T22:04:14Z

From harukami.

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, your favorite kind of sandwich, or maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

1. What's your video game history!
I don't really have one. Until I was about thirteen or fourteen, my mom strongly believed that electronics were Evil and would Melt My Brain. I used to play the Logical Adventures of the Zoombinies on my dad's ancient Mac, though, and at some point in grade seven I pleaded until I was given a GameBoy Color for my birthday, although the only games I ever had were Tetris, that Zelda with all the different instruments, and various incarnations of Pokemon. Much later, my brother got an X-Box, but he likes FPS games, which I hate. So. My video game history is pitiful and deprived!

2. Any reason behind your devotion to aikido?
A few! First of all, it is something that I can measure my improvement in, by rank testing. I like that. My other main physical activity, climbing, is a lot more subjective, a lot more individual, and at least to me a lot more self motivated. With aikido, I am taught. I always have a partner and I always have to be aware of that partner as well as myself. It's a very gentle exercise, so I can do it even if I'm not feeling well, but it gets me moving and I need that to stay sane.

3. KITTENS OR PUPPIES: CHOOSE AND CHOOSE NOW. WHAT IS YOUR REASON?
KITTENS. I love puppies too, but kittens are more. . . evil.

4. You can be trapped on a deserted island with one person - living or dead, real or fictional. Who is it and why?
What. Daniel. Because he knows what to do when trapped on a desert island due to PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE, and we probably wouldn't die. I KNOW THIS IS NOT A CREATIVE ANSWER.

5. Name one childhood hero. Why were they your hero?
T. H. White's Merlin, from 'The Once And Future King,' because he knew everything. I wanted him to turn me into a falcon, too. I used to practice doing the "Live Long and Prosper" salute, because that was what he made the Wart do with his hands so as to be in the correct falcon position.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-02-14T21:21:00

2008-02-15T05:23:39Z

Well. At least the people in the bedroom above me are having a happy Valentine's Day.

...oops, now they're having a happy Valentine's Day on the floor.

Good job, guys.

I hope that everyone else is having a happy Valentine's Day also, but hopefully without subjecting your neighbours to loud sex noises!

...oh this week

2008-02-13T21:30:50Z

You know what. Sometimes my uterus being the angriest organ is a perfectly valid reason to stay in bed and roll around rather than attending any of my classes.

I swear I will get caught up over Reading Break. I will. But for the next two days, I will simply accept my academic failure with grace.

In Which I am Lazy and Slightly Overwhelmed

2008-02-04T06:16:24Z

So... if I work very hard and take five courses each semester and am very lucky in terms of being able to get all the courses I want and if I don't take any electives and if I get into Honours somehow despite flubbing ENGL 200B (well, I guess a B+ isn't really flubbing, but it's not Honours) and if I don't take any time off at all, then I will have the degree that I want in another nine semesters. Which is to say, three years.

So that means my degree will have taken me a total of six years, including the year off I took. Minimum. However, I have a job making sushi, I am content to spend the next three years as an academic drudge, there is a cat in my house, and I feel like a bit of a snob because I read "Heart of Darkness" and listened to Vivaldi for my own pleasure, then discussed homosexuality as a current trend in the arts with Arlo. And I'm sleepy. Besides, I'll only be twenty-four when I graduate, which is not that bad.

On that note, I am going to abandon my barely begun homework which is due tomorrow and cuddle with the cat until I fall asleep. Yes, I do fail as an academic drudge. But I've done my homework for these classes first thing in the morning for the last two weeks and I see no reason whatsoever to stop now.

Items:

2008-02-02T17:34:23Z

1) My kitten (who is not my kitten) is still the cutest kitten, and still likes me best. And slept on my bed and let me pet her lots and is just. Socute.

2) I am going to make a To-Do List.

3) I am going to do my writing homework.

4) The Creaking Planks are sort of awesome.

5) This is the first day in several weeks which is entirely my own, to do with as I please.

metallic_sonata @ 2008-02-01T15:58:00

2008-02-02T00:01:06Z

I can has Secret Midnight Kitten.

Also Secret Midnight Claw-Marks.

Let the clocks be reset and the pendulums held

2008-01-28T13:22:40Z

First all-nighter of the new semester!

I just can't believe how soon I'll be in class. I love the early-morning-night and how endless it feels, though at the same time I know in practical terms I should be panicking...

Some thanks, and some bragging

2008-01-15T00:26:26Z

Okay so. In case it wasn't obvious... this winter has kind of sucked for me, a little. And, you know, I somehow convinced myself over New Year's Day that it would be better now. All better. And that's... not how things work. So when last weekend meant dealing with more family ickiness (although not of a comparatively bad degree) I was very down about it. Down, and tired, and wanting to give up. I'm not good at being down. It doesn't last very long - I bounce back. But I bounce back sort of stressed and fragile.

Anyway. Today was a good day. I applied for the Co-op Program, I fed myself well, my new poetry prof told me my first poem of the semester was "remarkable", I won first prize (a book) in my fiction class's postcard story contest, the clouds blew away and I didn't have to bike home in the rain... and I was so happy. Disproportionately happy. So happy I couldn't stop laughing to have a normal conversation. And now I'm finally sort of zen, which is something I haven't been for months.

So I just want to say... sorry for being stressed out and delusional and thanks for putting up with me... I think I'm a little more breakable right now than I was aware. Please bear with me.